out of the frying pan and into the fire?

I have been re reading some of my posts and have realized how much my thinking has changed since I first posted about leaving the church.  The following is the way I would answer the questions I asked myself on March 4, 2011.  The answers in Red are my new responses.  

• Would God abandon me if he felt I abandoned him? NO.  Biblical example: The prodigal Son. I don't believe in "God".  
• Was God really a man once? I do not believe that he was. N/A
• Would I really be kept out of the highest kingdom If I did not receive my endowments, or if I rejected those endowments? NO.  I don't believe that we should have set convenants with God, just as I don't believe that we should only use repeated prayers, instead of thinking and covenanting for ourselves. For all I know we are all reincarnated, or stored on some hard drive like in the hit TV show "Battle Star Gallactica".  
• "By grace ye are saved".  Mormons add on to this... 2 ne 2:25   "...for we know that it is by ^bgrace that we are saved, after all we can ^cdo." Really?  While I believe it is important to be a good person, and yes to do good works.  What is a good work?  Is it taking out my endowments, get married in the temple, get baptized...etc.  or is it being a good person and exeplifying Jesus. Religion does not = good, and good does not = religion.
• Even if I lived as perfect a life possible and fulfilled all the requirements, my works would not be enough to get me in.  The atonement would be the only thing. Am I challenging the atonement by putting more time into works, then I am into faith in his grace and mercy? Yes!  It is a smack to atonement to even think that any of those works could compare to the fact that Christ payed for you, he purchased you with his blood.  He gave this gift to all people. I no longer believe Christ was real as much as I don't believe in Zeus, or Hercules.
• Is the temple ceremony literal?  I believe that it is literal. If so would God keep me out of heaven if I couldn't or wouldn't do it when the time came?  What if those who died and their ordinances are done for them after they have gone, and they reject them, would God keep them from him? NO! Like I said "Battle Star Gallactica"
• Can our minds even comprehend God?  If not, then how can any of us profess to understand ways in which we will be judged later? I don't believe that we can comprehend his thinking/judging processes.  I do not believe that he requires us to follow such narrow minded principles. If there is a supreme being.
• Why are there similarities between the Masonic Initiations and temple endowment? That is a tough one, but I simply do not believe the temple endowmet was inspired by God.  I believe that Joseph, being a free mason, "borrowed" some things. And that he was a crack pot con artist that knew how to scam people.
• If God is the same yesturday today and forever, than why has the Mormon church changed in dramatic ways over the years? Because it is not inspired of God.  Because there is not one true church, and there is not a living prophet. Even pretending to know what a supreme being would want of us is ridiculous, just as much as it is insane to say you are doing what an alien would want you to do.  
• Why is there no archeological and historic proof of the israelites being in the America's?  I can only conclude that there were no israelites in the America's Hence the Book of Mormon is fictional.
• Can there be "one true church," with such imperfection on this earth? I don't believe so. NO! And it is insane to waste you time "worshipping" something.  Rather it makes more sense to enjoy what you have and make the most of it.  
• Does God care which church we are in so long as we are good people? I don't think he has a preference as to what set of rules we follow so long as we try to exemplify Christ.  All I think is important is to find happiness.  
• Does God have a favorite people? I think that having a favorite is an imperfect trait and that is impossible for God. Who is God?
• Should there be an answer to almost every spiritual question? I don't think so.  I think that it is hurtful and unnecessary to have an answer to almost everything.  I am focused on finding happiness in this life, not wasting time here in preparation for what ever the hell is coming next.  

Personal boundaries and Mormonism

One major complaint I have with the way I was raised and the mormon culture I grew up with was the apparent lack of boundaries.  In what society is it normal to discuss in normal conversation a person's underwear?  I was reading on another blog recently which perfectly illustrated this fact... here is the link

http://mormondetox.blogspot.com/2008/08/rfm-discussion.html

Individuality is suppressed and this makes people feel comfortable prying into other people's private matters.  Being an individual is something I am loving right now.  I feel great trying to figure out what I actually want and like in life, not based on other' wants and desire's for me.  Young Women in the cult are taught that they each have their own divine nature.  In this instance it seems that they actually are encouraging individuality, except for that everyone has it, and you are no different from everyone else!  It is also another tool for guilting people into following the norm.
What are some way you felt that your boundaries were crossed as a Mormon?

finding happiness without being Mormon

It makes me crazy sometimes thinking that MILLIONS of people are following a crackpot story invented by some con artist in the 1800's!  This guy figured out that a lot of people had an interest in treasure in his area and realized he could make a few buck's off of them.  He was a power/money hungry man that realized how gullible people are.  Did he ever know or realize that centuries later he would have affected MILLIONS?  I just want to jump on the rooftop and scream out to all my loved ones out there, "You don't have to live like that!"  

Happiness comes so much easier when you don't have to fit into a cookie cutter.  Guilt and shame and heartache float away with out it.  Why haven't I done this sooner?  The fear that leaving would damn me is gone.  I am amazed at how much happier I am, more than I ever was as a "member".  

You know how when you are a member they tell you that you should be so delighted to have the knowledge that you do, that you should want to shout it from the rooftops?  Well I never felt that way, and would often feel guilty for it.  Until now!!! I want to shout from the rooftops!  I want to pass out books!  I want to write articles, I want to share with my neighbors.  It is amazing the difference.  When True Blue Mormon loved ones and friends ask me why I left, I often don't even go into the reasons because it always ends in an argument and has on occasion ended friendships.  It is really tempting to try and "convert" them to my way of thinking.  My new thought on that subject is, let them find happiness their own way!

This is what freedom of religion is all about.  Everyone should be allowed to find happiness in their own way.  Mormons don't really support this idea within the church.  "Inactive's, or less actives, or ex-mormon" family members are ostracized if not by family, by everyone else.  

Mormon Myth's Busted

Being an exmormon, I have come to realize that it is okay to feel sexy and enjoy my own sexuality.  This is a healthy part of learning who I am.  When I was a part of the Mormon cult, these feelings were repressed, and I felt evil even wanting to explore them.  Now I feel so liberated in mind and body.  In everything I did, I felt guilt shame and manipulation.  Without realizing or thinking about it I tried to live my life following a specific cookie cutter shape.  I never quite fit.  I didn't make me happy.  I exacerbated my feelings of anxiety to the point that I would get migraines and stomach aches.  Upon leaving the cult, I realized how much lighter I felt.  There was a great big world out there that previously I had thought was mostly full of wicked and adulterous people.  My perception is quite changed. Here are a few myths that I have now busted.

•   I have been surprised at how innately good people are naturally.  They do not need a "God" or "prophet" to tell them what to read and what not to read, where to buy their underwear, or how to dress. They are happy!  They are not wallowing in their wicked ways.  They seek for good things naturally, think for themselves, make smart decisions. 
•  They don't get into car accident's for the mere fact that they aren't wearing magic underwear!
• Not every man that you happen to be alone with will rape you.
• A bishop is not a marriage counselor!
• The Preisthood is a mere version of self fulfilled prophecy, or failed disappointment!
• Getting married at 19 as a Mormon merely means that you couldn't hold off having sex!
• "Procreating and replenishing the Earth" is not required before graduation from college, or within the first 5 years of marriage let alone at all.
• Wearing your bathing suit to the pool as opposed to changing when you get there will not cause an early death.
• Being an RM simply means that there was nothing better to do during that time or they fell to peer pressure.

There are probably a lot more, but this satisfied my desire to rant a little bit.  Anyone else have a myth to bust?

Couponing: My new found hobby

When life get's you down, find a new hobby!  I have not been watching the new cable show on couponing, (I think you all know which one I mean, but I have many friends who have recently gotten into couponing themselves and they have shared their tips and talents with me.  One of the first things I would like to share with all of you is a blog that I have been following for couponing: Jill Cataldo!  She is a great lady that shares her insight on how to get the best deals weekly.  The other tidbit I would like to share with you is an opportunity fo savings with Mom's for Tot's.   

I am hoping to bring better and better deals to this site.  I found this add on http://www.vocalpoint.com/index.html

check this site out as well, it look's pretty promising, although I just joined.

Atheism?

     As part of my free thinking lately I have been thinking a lot lately.  I have thought a lot about the events in the Bible, and the beliefs of the Christian world.  So far I don't beleive any of it.  I haven't made any decisions, but I find that after taking my mind out of the pit of Mormonism, and finding it to be false, I have a hard time believing in anything that does not have any scientific merit.  Not that I don't believe that miraculous things can happen.  I do.  I just think that the word miracle is a word we use when we don't understand how something works.  The same word has probably been used throughout time when something that was not understand was introduced to people, like electricity, or radio, or television, or flying.
     I am starting to think that there may be a supreme being or whatever, but that he/she/it is not what we may think It is.    It there is a "God" how can we even think that we would understand the way that it would judge us?  Why would It visit our Ancestors and not us?  Or maybe we are just here and there is no supremem being, there is just beings out there and some of them are smarter than others and some of them know more of the universe than others.  In the end if there is a God, I do not think that his desire in life would be for us to waste it bowing down to him instead of living our lives.  It almost seems childish! 
     I would never expect my own children to worship me.  Or to have a shrine in their houses of me.  The whole thing doesn't make sense.
     Right now, I think the bible is just a conglomeration of superstition, or an attempt to explain things that were not understood at the time they were written. 
     This weekend is General Conference.  I have debated as to whether or not I wanted to watch it.  I thought it might be fun to listen and laugh about some of the things that were said.  I still might, but I almost feel like I don't even want it around because it is so full of SHIT!  I mean I have a hard time believing that people believe the crap that comes out of those BUSINESS MEN'S lips!  How did I even believe it???

Please oh please, I think to my family and friends.....don't believe this Bullshit!  It is a con created by "crafty" men, to take your money away. 

Breaking Down The Bear

     For a long time I have been having dreams that a bear is chasing me.  Not just any bear.  The largest, most awesome bear you have ever seen.  Larger than life.  No matter where I hide, for how long, he always manages to find me.  He tears apart whatever I am under.  He shreds anything that gets in his way.  He never sleeps, and I am constantly on the run.  These dreams are full of fear and anxiety and I am never really able to get away.
     I can't help but feel that these dreams are connected to my past.  Things that have happened in my life that I cannot run from.  That I have to face.  I have to face the bear. 
     Facing the bear may sound simple outloud.  Afterall he is just in my head.  But that is just it.  In everything I do in life, he is lingering in the back of my mind.  Everywhere I go, he is there.  He wants me to cope badly in negative situations.  He wants me to allow others to treat me badly.  He has my worst interest at heart.  Facing him means changing myself to the core.  The dream of the bear is not just a dream, he is part of my thinking process. 
     A few months ago I realized that for a very long time I have not been doing what I want.  I do not really know what I want.  I have been doing and being what I think and thought others wanted of me.  I have done this for so long that it has become such a habit for me.  It is easier to hide, run, sleep, or scream, then deal with the bear.  It is easier to try to be someone else than figure out who I am and defend it. 
     There are many things that complicate my issue with the bear:

• I was raised a Mormon.
• I was raised in a controlling home
• Most of my early decisions were made before I had time to decide what I wanted
• I married a sociopath
• I divorced said sociopath
• I remarried great guy who doesn't enable my non-personality*
• I have a habit of caring too much about what others think of me
• I am currently having an identity crisis
• I have left the Mormon church*

* These things will be explained in more depth later.

     The bear knows me really well, and knows how to discourage me.  While cleaning my house he tells me, "You don't need to finish!  Just set the rest aside and do it later."  While excercising he discourages me from doing my best.  In my relationship with my husband he puts me down and wants me to enable bad communication because it is easier.  He wants me to feel that I am not worth it.  Wherever the bear is there is anxiety, fear, and unhappiness.  The bear would be happy if I lie to others to avoid sharing my true self for fear of rejection.  The bear would be extatic if I avoid others for fear of rejection.

     Currently I feel that I have had a non-personality the majority of the time.  A person with a non-personality is someone who grabs on to others dislikes and likes instead of forming their own. Someone who allows others to impose their will regardless of their true feelings.  A good example of this can be seen in the movie, Runaway Bride.  The bride in the movie, gets engaged multiple times, and each time she leaves the man she is to marry at the alter and runs.  She isn't sure why, but she just can't go through with it.  In the end it is brought to her attention that she doesn't know who she is.  She doesn't even know what kind of eggs she likes.  With every man she is with she just likes whatever they like, and she goes wherever they go.  Yes there are times when she is fiery, and shows glimpses of her personality, but she doesn't know how to let it shine all the time. 

     In Therapy I have learned that by being or having a non-personality, I am not being authentic.  It is not that I am deceiving others intentionally, but that is essentially what I am doing.  I don't let others in, and surround myself with lies, so that I can feel accepted, but in reality all I am doing is hurting others.  I really want to be authentic!  Because of this I have started to question everything.  I have started to question my likes and dislikes, my design style, my hair style, my eating habits, and my beliefs.  "Do I really like this? Do I really want this?  Do I really believe this?"  I have also been doing a lot of thinking about my thinking.  In highschool we learned that this is called metacognition.  Some people refer to is as cognitive behavioral therapy: a form of psychotherapy that emphasizes the important role of thinking in how we feel and what we do (http://www.nacbt.org/).  This helps me to identify a problem in my thinking and to conciously make a choice not to think that way, or to coach myself.  I have found it to be very helpful.
   
    Questioning my beliefs has not been easy.  As a Mormon you are taught that, "after the trial of your faith, you shall recieve a witness..."  Questioning it made me feel I was ignoring that advice.  To be able to follow that advice though, you have to believe that it came from God, and that is where I have been having an issue.  Here are some questions I have asked myself.  In no way am I asking for a debate, or answers to these questions.  I am just sharing with you my thought process. 

• Would God abandon me if he felt I abandoned him?
• Was God really a man once?
• Would I really be kept out of the highest kingdom If I did not receive my endowments, or if I rejected those endowments?
• "By grace ye are saved".  Mormons add on to this... 2 ne 2:25   "...for we know that it is by ^bgrace that we are saved, after all we can ^cdo."  Really?  While I believe it is important to be a good person, and yes to do good works.  What is a good work?  Is it taking out my endowments, get married in the temple, get baptized...etc.  or is it being a good person and exeplifying Jesus. 
• Even if I lived as perfect a life possible and fulfilled all the requirements (according to Mormonism) my works would not be enough to get me in.  The atonement would be the only thing. Am I challenging the atonement by putting more time into works, then I am into faith in his grace and mercy. 
• Is the temple ceremony literal?  If so would God keep me out of heaven if I couldn't or wouldn't do it when the time came?  What if those who died and their ordinances are done for them after they have gone, and they reject them, would God keep them from him. 
• Can our minds even comprehend God?  If not, then how can any of us profess to understand ways in which we will be judged later?
• Why are there similarities between the Masonic Initiations and temple endowment?
• If God is the same yesturday today and forever, than why has the Mormon church changed in dramatic ways over the years?
• Why is there no archeological and historic proof of the israelites being in the America's?
• Can there be "one true church," with such imperfection on this earth? 
• Does God care which church we are in so long as we are good people?
• Does God have a favorite people?
• Should there be an answer to almost every spiritual question?
• Why does the Book of Mormon contradict the Bible in so many ways?

     After contemplating these questions I concluded that:

• Would God abandon me if he felt I abandoned him? NO.  Biblical example: The prodigal Son.
• Was God really a man once? I do not believe that he was. 
• Would I really be kept out of the highest kingdom If I did not receive my endowments, or if I rejected those endowments? NO.  I don't believe that we should have set convenants with God, just as I don't believe that we should only use repeated prayers, instead of thinking and covenanting for ourselves. 
• "By grace ye are saved".  Mormons add on to this... 2 ne 2:25   "...for we know that it is by ^bgrace that we are saved, after all we can ^cdo."  Really?  While I believe it is important to be a good person, and yes to do good works.  What is a good work?  Is it taking out my endowments, get married in the temple, get baptized...etc.  or is it being a good person and exeplifying Jesus. 
• Even if I lived as perfect a life possible and fulfilled all the requirements, my works would not be enough to get me in.  The atonement would be the only thing. Am I challenging the atonement by putting more time into works, then I am into faith in his grace and mercy? Yes!  It is a smack to atonement to even think that any of those works could compare to the fact that Christ payed for you, he purchased you with his blood.  He gave this gift to all people. 
• Is the temple ceremony literal?  I believe that it is literal. If so would God keep me out of heaven if I couldn't or wouldn't do it when the time came?  What if those who died and their ordinances are done for them after they have gone, and they reject them, would God keep them from him? NO!
• Can our minds even comprehend God?  If not, then how can any of us profess to understand ways in which we will be judged later? I don't believe that we can comprehend his thinking/judging processes.  I do not believe that he requires us to follow such narrow minded principles.
• Why are there similarities between the Masonic Initiations and temple endowment? That is a tough one, but I simply do not believe the temple endowmet was inspired by God.  I believe that Joseph, being a free mason, "borrowed" some things. 
• If God is the same yesturday today and forever, than why has the Mormon church changed in dramatic ways over the years? Because it is not inspired of God.  Because there is not one true church, and there is not a living prophet. 
• Why is there no archeological and historic proof of the israelites being in the America's?  I can only conclude that there were no israelites in the America's Hence the Book of Mormon is fictional.
• Can there be "one true church," with such imperfection on this earth?  I don't believe so.
• Does God care which church we are in so long as we are good people? I don't think he has a preference as to what set of rules we follow so long as we try to exemplify Christ.
• Does God have a favorite people? I think that having a favorite is an imperfect trait and that is impossible for God.
• Should there be an answer to almost every spiritual question? I don't think so.  I think that it is hurtful and unnecessary to have an answer to almost everything.

 Leaving the Mormon church has been a big and thoughtful decision.  It is not something I have taken lightly.  Having been born and raised in it, it is a part of my personality, it is part of the way I think, and it is a big part of my relationships.  Most of my friends, all of my family are members of this church. These questions I have asked myself and taken time to ponder have been hard questions.  I did not enjoy debunking things I have followed strongly in the past.   It is nice though to be able to say what I have actually been thinking without feeling guilt.  Guilt is something I have had in my life for a very long time.  Now that I have left the Mormon church, I no longer feel the guilt.  Do I like this?  Yes!  I feel free.  I feel like I can be a better person.  I feel like I can love deeper!  I feel stronger because I can make decisions for myself.  I feel like I can think freely.  I am no longer bound by the rules I was born into!  I feel free.  No wonder so many have fought for religious freedom.  I no longer am imprisoned my Mormon beliefs.  My depression has almost gone away.  I am a better  wife and mother. 
   The bear in my dreams is fading one day at a time.  I see him glancing at me and hesitating.  I look forward to a brighter future.

AuthenticAllyse